You Lack Self-Discipline Because You Lack Self-Love
How facing childhood trauma will set you free (3 steps) + Free asset ⭐️
“Self-discipline is self-caring” is how Dr M. Scott Peck (author of ‘The Road Less Traveled’) challenges the problem of procrastination.
When dealing with a patient who couldn’t concentrate at work, he put it down to 3 things:
They lacked the ability to self-regulate because they didn’t respect themselves
They didn’t respect themselves because fundamentally they didn’t love themselves
They lacked self-love due to childhood neglect
It’s a tricky situation because it stretches back to a time when you relied on other people.
Those people let you down, and though you’re not responsible, you are facing the punishment for their actions. (The sins of our fathers)
“When one considers oneself valuable one will take care of oneself in all ways that are necessary. Self-discipline is self-caring”
– M. Scott Peck
🍫Why Discipline is Self-Caring (and so important)
Delayed-gratification is one of the most important skills you will ever learn.
The famous Stanford marshmallow experiment went like this:
Children ages 4-5 were placed in a room with a marshmallow
They were told: “If you wait 15 minutes without eating the marshmallow, you can have another one”.
1/3 of children managed to delay the gratification of eating the marshmallow (gaining the second one as well)
Numerous follow up studies were done, and it was found the children who successfully delayed gratification:
Scored on average 210 points higher on their SATs
Went on to a higher level of academic achievement
Went on to live more successful lives (better paying jobs, living in better socio-financial locations etc)
Why is this Self-caring?
Because those children who did wait, had enough love, trust, and faith in themselves and life, to know that snatching at quick gratifying stimuli isn’t conducive to well-being.
In his extensive career as a psychotherapist, Dr Pecker noticed that childhood neglect was directly correlated to the ability to care for oneself.
Why childhood neglect leads to poor self-esteem
As a child, you are completely reliant on your carers.
They should provide you:
Food
Shelter
Love
Even if they provided you with the first 2, the 3rd may have been lacking.
And even if they told you that you were loved, their actions may have communicated otherwise.
Did they play with you? Did they teach you things? Did they spend valuable time with you? Or: were they also too busy, not bothered, but told you they loved you as they handed you off to others to deal with?
Children are really smart, even if they made a big show of it, you knew they weren’t sincerely interested in you.
If this is you, it’s a hard pill to swallow.
They may have loved you in their own way – but just not in the way a child needs to flourish.
Picking up the pieces
“The greatest gift a parent can give a child is self-confidence”
– Steward Stafford
If you didn’t receive this, then you have to give it to yourself.
This isn’t an easy feat, and can take a lifetime (according to M. Scott Peck).
What I want to give you now is a guide on how to begin this journey towards self-love. I make no claim to be an expert – I’m just walking it myself.
❤️ 3 Steps Towards Self-Love/Discipline
1# Realising the problem and taking responsibility
Hopefully the above has helped you with this.
If not, then it may have planted the seed. Dr Pecker stresses the importance of taking the responsibility – “But I’m not responsible”. Maybe you’re not the cause of the issue, but you’re the one certainly reaping the disadvantages and pain.
The reason this is such a profound issue, is because it’s so tied to a period we genuinely had no power to control.
It’s so easy to fall into hatred, blame, and inaction because, well, it’s not our fault.
Make no mistake, this problem will persist as long as you live. Most people never get over it, and that’s not due to any lack of intelligence, it is due to an unwillingness to face the pain.
But when we don’t face this challenge, we never grow out of it.
“Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering”
– C.G Jung
2# Committing to facing the problem
Now you understand the problem – YOU HAVE TO TAKE ACTION.
Understanding theory can be therapeutic. But with such a deep systematic issue (a lack of self-love), you need to take real world steps towards fixing it.
Here are some things I do/will be doing:
Practice a morning self-belief altering meditation
Joe Dispenza is great
“Treat the mind like a garden“
This is a Joseph Murphy idea (author of ‘The Power of Your Subconscious Mind’)
Understand: Plants/thoughts that you plant, will grow. You wouldn’t plant and cultivate weeds and awful things in your nice garden, so why do you do it with your mind? Take the time to de-weed/remove negative thought patterns.
Very practically, this means: Don’t think negatively (it will grow and become automatic); Think positively and lovingly, and your mind will become such.
Seek therapy
If I find one I trust, I’ll let you know. If you know of a good one, let me know
3# Cultivating self-love
Hate breeds hate, and only love can come from love.
You might truly feel hate, envy, and loathing for yourself and everyone – but the only way out of this is to give that up. It’s really too easy to blame others, and logical sometimes, but you will never move past this problem if you don’t.
No one’s coming to get you, only you can do this for yourself.
It’s not easy – but I’ve got a feeling it’s worth it.
📝 Final Thoughts & Summary
People who received adequate attention as children are way more likely to have happier lives
People who were neglected are way more likely to fall into bad circumstances
This is because people who are secure in their own being, are able to operate with confidence, self-love, and delayed-gratification
Neglected children lack these skills because they’re so scared of abandonment, they cling to things, people, and beliefs due to a poor sense of stability
You can learn to love yourself
This is a long and difficult journey
You have to take responsibility, and take action
A big step is to forgive people
Thanks for reading.
Let me know your thoughts.
If you found this valuable, think of a friend that would benefit from it. If you are that friend, we’d love to have you join this mailing group.
References & bonus links
The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck
⭐️ [Bonus asset] The Triangles of Self-love and Hate